I Just Want to Feel Better

It’s not the flu or some sort of coronavirus. It’s not something worse… like cancer. I don’t have a debilitating physical condition like epilepsy, schizophrenia or rheumatoid arthritis. But, there is something wrong with me. It’s not easily defined. Doctors have been slow and of little help so far. I need a Dr. House, but I have not run across one of those. Maybe they only exist on tv. I don’t feel good. I just want to feel better.

I watch endless Youtube videos of families going on vacation or young social influencers traveling the world making all sorts of money. I see some brazen hero running into the fray on Netflix or Prime Video. I listen to adventurous audio books. I mindlessly scroll through social media on my phone. I put on VR goggles and climb mountains or swing through cities as Spiderman. From out of my apartment window, I see couples walking down the street holding hands and laughing. It feels like I am always inside looking out, instead of outside looking in.

Image(s) used under license from Shutterstock.com.

I can mostly work from home, but I do have to venture out occasionally to go into the office. I’m not stupid. That much becomes apparent to me every time I step into the office and see what my coworkers are producing. What is the difference between them and me? They have lives, I don’t. I’m not interested in being a part of some club or specialized group. I have plenty of that in my apartment when I am online. I am just interested in getting out and being what I think of as normal.

If I feel good or if I am feeling a thrill after watching or listening to an adventure, I fall apart as soon as it is over. I feel like a drug addict, as soon as the good moment is over, I need more right away. It’s really bad when I find a show I like or an excellent book series and binge them all at once. When it's over and I know that I might have to wait a year or more for the release of the next season or book in the series, to refer to my feelings at that moment as disappointment would be an understatement.

Image(s) used under license from Shutterstock.com.

I’m proud that I can work at home. I feel good that I can force myself to get out of the house. But, I don’t think anyone likes me. I am not pretty. I am not well spoken. I am not funny or charismatic. If I go to a bar on a Friday night, people just look at me uncomfortably with all of my awkwardness. I become anxious to leave, and so I do. I leave and race back to my comfort box of an apartment. I would probably move to the country, but I know that would be worse and I am terribly afraid of getting unplugged. What would I do if the internet went out for any length of time?

I’m tired all the time. I have no energy to go workout. I eat very simply. Medications galore make me feel like I am being mixed in a bowl, but I am still always in the bowl. It’s like I am about to be attacked all the time, but the attack never comes. I run away from everything. I even get scared to engage in video games. It feels like there is so much more to this life. I see it all the time, but I am not a part of it. It looks so easy for everyone else. I just want to feel better.

Read more at MQMentalHealth.org.